talking about It

The terrific irony of the position i am in right now is that I have always lived my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. When things had gone perfectly, almost seamlessly for me, I had been delighted by the fact that I had beat the odds. Yet, a hole burned in the back of my mind as I had thought that this was too good to be true and that these opportunities do not come along without their equal and opposite reaction.

I had thought the comeuppance had been delivered once, yet I had, once again been incorrect. In fact, things can reach a degree of wrongness that one cannot even begin to imagine. They say that man plans and God laughs, but I had thought my obsessive prayers were enough to assuage his wicked humour.

Is it possible as well for the lowest point of your life to look so happy? I am, objectively speaking, doing quite well. It is easy to seem so, as I do not talk about It. Absolutely, my conditions could be worse, yet I still get up every day by some miracle and I still go to work, and I have money in my bank account and activities to keep me preoccupied. I also have with me this disgusting agony that hangs around my neck like a yolk. My God, when you do not talk about It, it becomes all you can think about; It appears between words on the page, It is there when I close my eyes, It is what I wake up to in the morning.

In a practical sense, the weight of this agony are the consequences of talking about It. I have not planned enough, and I have not considered the options and all of the reactions to the reactions of talking about It. I have not crunched the numbers, or considered every random factor that can affect the outcome. I have thought loosely about some of the things that can be said, but the hardest part of all is how to begin to talk about It. That is the scary one, because then It becomes real.

I have also dedicated a large amount of time contemplating about how It could not even be that big of a deal. Maybe, with my lack of understanding on the subject, with factors I have not considered and do not know, there could actually be nothing to talk about, because It was never a problem in the first place. This feels like mental gymnastics to me, and I know I did not stretch before embarking on these exercises. But I get ahead of myself: thinking that I have to examine It for ways in which it is right, implies already that there is something already wrong. That is not good. So I have to even stop thinking about It!

I have been in very very very bad states of mind in my life, which have overlapped with very bad living conditions, leading to overall awful times in my life. I think back then I was so unstable that I could hardly conceptualize the present day as well as register the stimuli around me as a fact of reality. At this time in my life I have grown up, and the little collection of pills I take in the morning (that arrest the reactive part of my brain, and that make me focus nicely at my desk, and even make me a little sleepy so that I do not think about It before bed in a paralyzing state of panic) have made me so aware of reality that burns my flesh in its high definition. I no longer have the privilege of selfishness, as experience has granted me the wisdom to know how badly it would physically hurt to remove myself from the equation, which unfortunately would solve all of my problems in regards to having to talk about It. However, I entertain the thought passively. It would after all be a huge relief if I do not wake up in the morning, as I would no longer have to talk about It, and anything else! But, people love me and care about me and want me to be happy.

And of course I love people and care about them and want them to be happy, and talking about It could ruin that happiness very badly. as mentioned I have thought extensively about the consequences, and talking about It can result in a lot of hurt; an extensive hurt; an undoable and permanent amount of hurt.

Selfishly, I have to think about myself and my future and everyone else around me. I have to think about the Support Network. I have to think about what I have to lose, and increasingly the scales balance towards how easily it will be for me and everyone else if I just never talk about It, and the weight of my conscious and the compass needle of my morals swing erratically and my brain bursts out of my ears from the pressure of never ever talking about It.

Mon, 07 Sep 2026 15:37:39 +0500